The Shoe Bible

A while ago I wrote a piece in which I listed flat out all the requirements I have when it comes to boyfriends. I was kidding with that list (more or less), but as not everybody got the roosting sarcasm of my words, I got massive backlash from scorned males everywhere. The one thing all these hate-mail sending men were hurt by the most was accidentally the one thing I wasn’t jesting  about, and that was the shoe criteria. I stand by this one only because I’m sure that shoes tell me an awful lot about the person wearing them. Well, maybe not an awful lot, but certainly enough to be a deal breaker when it comes to sexy time. So pay attention boys! Following this lady’s template, I composed my own list of shoes which will either get you into my pants or get you  a staring role in the story I will for ever and ever tell my friends, who are equally if not more judgmental and mean as I am. The story will be titled: “You’ll never believe what kind of shoes he had on!” and we will laugh at you over red wine bread sticks. And you know what? You deserve it.

No. No, no, no, no, NO! I’m sorry but if you think these type of shoes are acceptable footwear on the London streets, we have nothing further to discuss. And I’m serious too, these shoes just transcend all definitions of wrong and you are not only committing a crime against fashion here, you are making it very hard for me to to keep down my lunch. If you were my friend, I would tell you to get the fuck home and change shoes. If you were my boyfriend, it would be me who would be going the fuck home and changing phone numbers. No redo. SORRY!

I’m a tall lady, and I do realize that my 5.8 inches can be intimidating to shorter men. Tough potatoes, though. If you are tinny, you are tinny and you should be OK with that, as much as I’m OK with it. I do prefer taller boys, but I know that occasionally, I will meet boys who will be shorter, but will make me think, for a period of time at least, that the difference in size  doesn’t even matter. They will not be wearing man-heels though. If I’m kissing you, I clearly already got over the whole “he’s shorter than me” thing. Well, either that, or I’m drunk (I’m possibly drunk: worth checking, just to be on the safe side). Man heels make me laugh. They’re ugly to look at and if you show up in these, I will not sleep with you.

Not a massive fan of these, but they are sometimes acceptable, as they are usually worn by hipsters, and hipsters can be pretty  hot. So if you’re confident you have the allure  to pull of these babies, you have my go ahead. But don’t kid yourself. Those are some ugly shoes you’re wearing, and the only reason you’re coming home with me it’s because you are hot. Hey, I just gave you a compliment! Appreciate.

Suit shoes are more of a no than a yes, because suit shoes usually translate into arrogance and bad sex. Yes, I went there. So let’s say “No” on this one, unless you happen to look like this guy. Maybe then I’ll tolerate you if you buy me a few drinks and keep the asshole outbursts down to a minimum. It will be your place though, and no way in hell am I staying the night.
Simple, but highly efficient. Yes.

If this was 2001, this would be a “fuck yeah” type of shoe as back then I was all about boys who rode their skateboards around. But unfortunately it’s 2011 now and most of the boys who rode their skateboards around 10 years ago, now drive bikes/cars/the tube. The sport has been taken over by the younger generations, and if you are wearing these you are probably making me feel like a cradle robber. If you are my age however, I’m going to question why you haven’t moved on like everybody else and if aren’t you by any chance still stuck in 2001. You have one of yours to thank for that, a skateboarder I very briefly dated my first year in London and who I once described as “an embodiment of everything that is wrong with straight men.” (true story) That being said, I know that one of my exes still takes his skateboard around and he’s cool, and so does my baby brother and he’s cool too, which tells me skate shoes can be worn by cool boys. So I will not instantly dismiss you if you show up in these, but I will be on high alert for retard-tendencisess.

No. You either think you are or wish you were a vampire. No.

No, and quite frankly, I find your shoes disturbing.

You’re gay, right?

No. Go away.

Probably no.

Yes.

Yes.

A definite yes,  although while I’m eying your flashy sneaker selection I am most likely doubting my abilities of ever getting someone who wears nicer shoes than I do (in this case: you). I’m going to put on my shy face and only make passing eye contact across the room, because you are the type of guy that I pine for, but don’t know how to approach. So just come and say hi, and we’ll take it from there.